Man-Law: Top 15 things Women can say to Other Women that a Man could NEVER say to Another Man

Today marks part two of the ongoing “Man-Law” series here on the Starving Artist Speaks. Now I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted some literary substance, and for that I apologize. I have a job now and unlike my last job, it actually requires me to work while I’m there so the posting from my cubicle is a thing of the past. Admittedly most of that is because I don’t work in a cubicle anymore. But if it means that much to you, I’m sure I can find a cubicle somewhere to post from in my down time. I am a public high school supplemental educator in low performance schools now. While that means I now work in the quick-weave capital of the world, and all the guys’ haircuts look like they lost a bet or a fight with a steel ceiling fan, it also means I will have PLENTY of good stories to tell in the very near future. But lets get back on task (see I sound like a teacher already). If you recall, a while back I posted the “Top 10 Songs Dudes can’t Listen to in a Car Full of Dudes” and now we’re back with the “Man-Law: Top 15 things Women can say to Other Women that a Man could NEVER say to Another Man”

Have you ever said something to one of your boys, or any guy for that matter, that you immediately regretted and had to go into damage control? For instance, you are the manager of a flag football or softball or basketball team and most of your players are habitually flaky. It’s obvious you need to recruit more reliable guys, so you go to the local parks or gyms or batting cages to find the guy that put on the most impressive display. This search for talent has become so routine for you, that you approach a sweaty, visually exhausted stranger and inexplicably ask for his phone number. Awkward. Sensing he’s put off by your actions you go into overdrive explaining why you need him and how masculine you are, all the while making yourself look more gay.

There is NEVER a non gay way to ask another man for his number. EVER.

Women could do it no problem. But it’s no secret that women can get away with borderline gay tendencies and never be questioned for their actions. There are certain things that are so innately “suspect” that the very moment a man completes the action or utters the phrase he’s permanently stamped his “Hershey Highway Passport”. Not that there is anything wrong with being gay. What you do with your rectum is between you and your Preparation H. I’m just trying to help those of you out there that don’t want to be perceived as gay if you’re really not. So, again, here are the “Man-Law: Top 15 things Women can say to Other Women that a Man could NEVER say to Another Man”

15. …you see last week’s Desperate Housewives?!?!
Guiding Light, The Young and the Restless, General Hospital, and SATC are also unacceptable. As matter of fact if you even know what SATC stands for go do 50 push-ups, and a few laps around the block!

14. …can I borrow that outfit?
Rule #1. Guys don’t wear “outfits”. We wear shirts. We wear jeans. We wear suits. We wear shorts. We wear sweats. There are a lot of things that guys wear… “outfits” are NOT one of them. Being that we don’t wear them, you even asking another man this not only puts your masculinity in question, you indirectly question your boy's as well. Any subsequent punches in the mouth are well deserved.

13. …who does your hair?
Ok this is a stretch, since dudes get their hair “cut” not “done” but asking either way is a violation. History has shown us that men are notoriously territorial. Asking a man to share his barber is like asking him to share his girlfriend. That’s NOT the type of trouble you want on your hands.

12. …do I look fat in this?
You can’t be serious. Unlike women who are unrealistically critical of their own bodies, men are typically unscrupulously misled when it comes to our self-image. No matter what we look like we still think we are the Greek God in the room. Asking me if you look fat in something means you have female sensibilities and being that I don’t deal with overly sensitive women, I’d especially rather not deal with sensitivity from you.

11. …come with me to the bathroom.
You’re a grown man. Group restroom breaks stopped in grade school. Besides, women do this to talk about hot guys. We don’t need group restroom breaks for that. There is a word for it when we do it. It’s called “normal”.

10. …TURN THAT UP! THAT’S MY JAM!
Grown men don’t have “jams”. You’re allowed to like a song. You may even be allowed to love a song. But the very suggestion of telling someone to turn up “your jam” hints that you are about to start dancing/jiggin. And dancing in the exclusive presence of another man officially makes it a “date”. The situation get exponentially worse when Rihanna or Beyonce are on the radio. Which leads us to our next quote.

Imma a diva, Imma Imma a diva.
…
You know what… I’ll save this one for the next 10 unacceptable songs list.

and then there's the 5 way tie for 5th place.

T-5. …you better come over here and give me a hug!
There are only two legitimate reasons for a man to hug another man. One being the loss of a loved one. The other being at the beginning or close of an introduction or reunion with an old friend. Even then it should be a one arm hug from a distance. A two arm, piece to piece hug is a sword fight that no one wants to win.

T-5. …we can share the bed.
If you grew up in the country or were raised by your grandmother sleeping 5 to a bed is nothing new to you. But you are grown now. I don’t care if this bed is the only thing floating in the middle of the ocean. Two grown men should NEVER share the same bed. Yes this means no “head to foot”. Yes this means no “one on top, one under the covers”. In the event that only one bed is available figure out a method to designate who gets it but a “draw” is an unacceptable solution.

T-5. …your butt looks GREAT in those jeans.
As a man, you shouldn’t even be aware that another man even has a butt. The fact that you noticed puts you in direct violation!

T-5. …what exercises can I do to make my butt look better?
Now, realistically speaking who’s gayer? The person that asks this question or the person that answers?

T-5. …Ooo you smell good, what is that you’re wearing?
First of all, saying the word “Ooo” is grounds for termination alone. Complimenting another man, especially his scent, is a slippery slope. Even if you are only asking so you can procure said cologne at a later time its best to just memorize the smell and google it when you get home. I’m not entirely sure how you do that, but I figure it has to be similar to elementary school when you didn’t know how to spell a word and your teacher/mom made you look it up in the dictionary. Now that I mention it, “memorizing” another man’s smell is questionable as well… Just forget it and move on.

4. ...you look cute today.
The minimum sentence for a statement like this is a punch in the mouth, with a maximum sentence that includes and should not exceed a termination of contract that binds the friendship. While this could have easily been number one on the list, the next few involve some sort of touching which in turn makes them higher ranking offenses.

3. …can I borrow your chapstick.
This involves indirect lip contact. Besides, applying chapstick is much like drinking out of a straw, or getting an eyelash out of your eye, or giving another man head, there’s no masculine way to do it. Hey, I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them.

2. …can you put lotion/sunscreen on my back?
Again a question like this puts you and your buddy in a position that neither of you want to be in. Either you’ll be getting beat up or playing naked Twister in the living room next Friday night. It’s a bad look either way.

1. …zip me up.
In terms of pants, this would involve direct penal contact, so it’s obvious why this made the top spot on the list. Is there any other case of a guy wearing a zipper that’s not a jacket or pants? I don’t care if you’re Mickey Mouse at DisneyWorld. You better figure out a way to zip your own costume with those over sized gloves or you run the risk of receiving a throat punch the likes of which hasn't been seen on earth in a very long time.  And NO ONE wants that.

PEACE
ONE GOD ONE LOVE
J