I would like to personally thank each and every one of you more than 100,000 visitors that have made “The Starving Artist Speaks…” what it is today. Whether you showed love, or hatred, you've helped mold this site, and me as a person. When I started this blog back in May 2005 I never thought that I would reach more than 100K people. And let’s be clear, that’s not 100,000 page hits, that’s 100,000 different IP addresses. Life has happened to me during my tenure here, and you were all here to witness it. So again I thank you!!! On to my next 100,000 and beyond!
PEACE
ONE GOD ONE LOVE
J
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
Las Vegas, MAGIC: August 2008
We're back from MAGIC and a grand ole' time was had by all. As the saying goes, "what happens in Vegas..... ends up on YouTube the next morning", or something like that. Since I don't have the video edited just yet, you'll have to settle for photos. "A picture is worth a thousand words", so I'll save mine and let you enjoy the shots.
PEACE
ONE GOD ONE LOVE
J
PEACE
ONE GOD ONE LOVE
J
Monday, August 18, 2008
Look ma, no hands
I can find comedy in nearly everything life has to throw at me. Most of which I probably shouldn’t. Yes that includes toddlers getting kicked and flipped through the air like Eddie Gordo from Tekken. Yes that also includes midgets scurrying about during a fight on national television. That most certainly includes babies falling off the end of a couch while the parents film. And of course that includes PTA moms punching other PTA moms in the teeth. None of this though, could compare to what I witnessed Friday night.
I went to a college party with my boy. It’s no secret that I’m not too fond of clubs and/or parties, but I DETEST college parties. I’ve never liked them, but something about them now, as a person in their (barely) upper 20s, makes me feel like that 45 year old “frat boy” that still goes to college events trying to pick up girls to go back to his parents basement and watch his extensive collection of erotica based sci-fi “films”. It’s also a well documented fact that I don’t smoke or drink. Needless to say, since I’m not the smoking, drinking, party going, club hopping type, and since the DJs at said parties endlessly spin Africanized nursery rhymes (see: Dr Seuss books to a drum beat), I have to find other things within the club/party to entertain myself. Generally, laughing at drunks will suffice, but Friday was different. Most of the crowd was under drinking age, so the drunkenness based humor was going to be limited.
As I wandered about the lounge I noticed a guy dancing really hard, so much so, he had developed a hearty sweat. I’m not talking some slight perspiration, I’m talking 4th quarter of the championship game sweat. He wore square framed Malcolm X glasses, a button up with the sleeves folded to his elbows, a Windsor knotted tie, and a watch. While none of this is out of the ordinary, they are all integral details for later in the story. As he arched his back and rolled his hips, “Dougie-ing” the night away, I noticed another detail about his appearance that struck me as odd. Initially I thought the dim lights were playing tricks on me, and since Electric Boogaloo wouldn’t keep still, I couldn’t be sure. But alas he finally was still and what I thought I saw had been confirmed. Electric Boogaloo didn’t have any hands. Both arms ended at the wrist. Now back to the integral details.
“He wore square framed “Malcolm X” glasses”. Not really an issue here. Putting glasses on with no hands is difficult but not impossible.
“a button up with sleeves folded to his elbows”. This confused me a bit, but I suppose if someone were to “give him a hand” this wouldn’t be unheard of.
“a Windsor knotted tie”. Again, a “handy” person could tie his tie.
“and a watch”….. a watch… no hands…. dancing… HARD…. Only one question bounced around in my head for the rest of the night. “How, exactly is that staying on?” As a matter of fact I’m still baffled. Maybe it was one of those slap bracelet watches, but how would he slap it on? I saw the dude later in the evening with his tie loosened and shirt unbuttoned, and thought to myself either this guy has quite a bit of help or he’s real “handy” with his wrists.
I went to a college party with my boy. It’s no secret that I’m not too fond of clubs and/or parties, but I DETEST college parties. I’ve never liked them, but something about them now, as a person in their (barely) upper 20s, makes me feel like that 45 year old “frat boy” that still goes to college events trying to pick up girls to go back to his parents basement and watch his extensive collection of erotica based sci-fi “films”. It’s also a well documented fact that I don’t smoke or drink. Needless to say, since I’m not the smoking, drinking, party going, club hopping type, and since the DJs at said parties endlessly spin Africanized nursery rhymes (see: Dr Seuss books to a drum beat), I have to find other things within the club/party to entertain myself. Generally, laughing at drunks will suffice, but Friday was different. Most of the crowd was under drinking age, so the drunkenness based humor was going to be limited.
As I wandered about the lounge I noticed a guy dancing really hard, so much so, he had developed a hearty sweat. I’m not talking some slight perspiration, I’m talking 4th quarter of the championship game sweat. He wore square framed Malcolm X glasses, a button up with the sleeves folded to his elbows, a Windsor knotted tie, and a watch. While none of this is out of the ordinary, they are all integral details for later in the story. As he arched his back and rolled his hips, “Dougie-ing” the night away, I noticed another detail about his appearance that struck me as odd. Initially I thought the dim lights were playing tricks on me, and since Electric Boogaloo wouldn’t keep still, I couldn’t be sure. But alas he finally was still and what I thought I saw had been confirmed. Electric Boogaloo didn’t have any hands. Both arms ended at the wrist. Now back to the integral details.
“He wore square framed “Malcolm X” glasses”. Not really an issue here. Putting glasses on with no hands is difficult but not impossible.
“a button up with sleeves folded to his elbows”. This confused me a bit, but I suppose if someone were to “give him a hand” this wouldn’t be unheard of.
“a Windsor knotted tie”. Again, a “handy” person could tie his tie.
“and a watch”….. a watch… no hands…. dancing… HARD…. Only one question bounced around in my head for the rest of the night. “How, exactly is that staying on?” As a matter of fact I’m still baffled. Maybe it was one of those slap bracelet watches, but how would he slap it on? I saw the dude later in the evening with his tie loosened and shirt unbuttoned, and thought to myself either this guy has quite a bit of help or he’s real “handy” with his wrists.
And I know some of you are thinking that if he ever reads this, I might have some trouble on my “hands”. But don’t worry, it’ll take him weeks to type in the address. Those pesky keys are just so close together. I will “hand” it to the guy though, he was pulling chicks all night….. or whatever an awkward grabbing motion with the wrists would be called.
PEACE
ONE GOD ONE LOVE
J
PS: I am aware that this is probably the single most hateful thing I’ve ever written, and I’m sorry for that, I just couldn’t let the story go untold. Forgive me LORD! But if I’m going to Hell, each of you that laughed at any point throughout the retelling of the story is going with me.
PEACE
ONE GOD ONE LOVE
J
PS: I am aware that this is probably the single most hateful thing I’ve ever written, and I’m sorry for that, I just couldn’t let the story go untold. Forgive me LORD! But if I’m going to Hell, each of you that laughed at any point throughout the retelling of the story is going with me.
PPS: and oh yeah, this post is NOT to make fun of the guy. Nor is it to feel sorry for the guy. It's a tribute if anything. He's a functioning member of society. He's exactly like you and I, and does the same things we do, just without hands.
Monday, August 11, 2008
The Unspoken Rule
Anyone that’s ever lived in an apartment complex requiring gate access has at some point or another fallen victim to the inconsiderate, rude bastard that doesn’t adhere to the universal “unspoken rule” regarding security gates. This rule clearly states, “he who opens the gate shall be the first to enter”. This is an understood rule that needs no real explanation or pre-planning. You don’t have to sit down and have a pow-wow with every single resident in the complex to ensure comprehension of the rule. You don’t have to send out an e-mail about the rule. No TPS reports. Nothing. Its just an understood “law of nature”. It never has to be discussed because the first rule of “gate entry” is you do not talk about “gate entry”. Ok maybe that was Fight Club, but it still applies. This rule has been in effect since the beginning of time. When Odysseus brought the Trojan Horse to the gates of Troy, did the Cyclops try to fly the Blackbird through the gate first? Nope. When Leonidas funneled the Persian army into the “Hot Gates” at Thermopylae to meet his 300 waiting Spartan soldiers, did Medusa try to squeeze her Mustang Cobra through the gates first? I think not! When Bill Gates was building Microsoft did Steve Jobs try to beat him to the punch? Of course not. He waited his turn like a decent human being. And now he’s being rewarded for his patience. Apple is doing better than it ever has, all because Jobs wasn’t trying to take Windows’ place.
I’m not sure what it is exactly that infuriates me about people line jumping at the gate but it makes me want to follow them, go into their home and proceed to take an aqueous soggy dump in their children’s breakfast. Is that a bit excessive? Ok well what if I would have said in their elderly parents’ bowl of Grape Nuts and prunes? Exactly what does speeding around someone at the gate accomplish? Besides being disgustingly rude, it’s reckless. There are children playing and riding bikes in the parking lot. What exactly are you planning to do with .34 seconds you’ve saved by driving around the person typing in the code? There is a special place in Hell for these types of people, and generally its right next to the people that only own one car but “double park” so no one can park in their second reserved spot.
I hate these apartments. My lease is up in a month. PRAISE GOD!!!
PEACE
ONE GOD ONE LOVE
J
I’m not sure what it is exactly that infuriates me about people line jumping at the gate but it makes me want to follow them, go into their home and proceed to take an aqueous soggy dump in their children’s breakfast. Is that a bit excessive? Ok well what if I would have said in their elderly parents’ bowl of Grape Nuts and prunes? Exactly what does speeding around someone at the gate accomplish? Besides being disgustingly rude, it’s reckless. There are children playing and riding bikes in the parking lot. What exactly are you planning to do with .34 seconds you’ve saved by driving around the person typing in the code? There is a special place in Hell for these types of people, and generally its right next to the people that only own one car but “double park” so no one can park in their second reserved spot.
I hate these apartments. My lease is up in a month. PRAISE GOD!!!
PEACE
ONE GOD ONE LOVE
J
Saturday, August 09, 2008
Bernie Mac, you will be missed
Today the world, not just the comedic world, not just the “black world” lost a giant. Anyone that has practiced comedy on any level (even bloggers like myself) owes a great deal of their material, delivery and “say whatever is on your mind” attitude to Bernie Mac. This Summer alone we’ve lost two of the most influential comics of our generation. It is my obligation to honor one of the greats. I’m praying for your loved ones. I’m praying for your fans. Join with me in honoring the incomparable Mr Bernie Mac.
PEACE
ONE GOD ONE LOVE
J
PEACE
ONE GOD ONE LOVE
J
Friday, August 08, 2008
You know what really grinds my gears?
I’m sick and tired of…
… dudes doing these gay @$$ dances. Dallas Boogie, “Dougie”, Dirty Booty, it all looks suspect to me.
… niggas saying “No Homo” after everything they say, especially when whatever they just said isn’t even remotely “homo”. We get it yo, you’re not gay… but saying it that much does make you look like you’re hiding a “dirty little secret” and not in a All American Rejects kinda way.
… R&B songs with rap breaks. I’m real Plessy v Ferguson when it comes to my R&B and Hip-Hop. I like them both, but they need to stay in their rightful place. Separate but equal!
… there being no more good R&B music. Everything now is R&Crunk or Neo Soul. And while I enjoy them from time to time, I just want to hear someone talk for 5 minutes at the beginning of a song like the good ole days.
… scantily clad white chicks sending me friend requests on myspace. I know its porn and/ or spam. You can’t fool me!!!
… people spending $40 on those hideous wide shoulder replica NBA jerseys, when another $30 could procure a more respectable “swingman” almost authentic jersey.
… the iPhone trying to correct me every time I send a text message. No, Steve Jobs, I didn’t mean “night”, I meant “nigga”!!!
… people with Sidekicks or other phones with a physical keyboard (not T9) sending me messages with typos. How do you misspell three letter words?
… people that use “your” when they clearly should be using “you’re”. I feel the exact same way about “loss” and “lost”. So when I see someone write “sorry for you’re lost” or “your really talented, I’m at a lost for words” on someone’s myspace page, it makes me want to punch a sick baby.
... people holding the phone to their mouth while on speaker phone. You can’t use the “handsfree” mode if you’re using your hands dip$#!+ !!! That’s like going to a concert for the deaf.
… road construction.
… Plies only rapping about sex. He sounds like a female comedian. He’s like a 2008 Too Short.
… the current trend in pornos where the chick has to gag while giving head. There is typically nothing sexy about runny mascara and a woman about to pass out due to lack of oxygen to her brain. Call me crazy but I have strict “no vomit on my skin fife” policy. Gagging compromises that policy.
… people going through the trouble of creating a page on something as public as the world wide web only to make their page private. Get over yourself. You’re NOT that important! It’s NOT an honor to see your page! It doesn’t make you seem exclusive. If anything it makes you look like an @$$hole.
... people creating facebook groups saying they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers.
… people on facebook sending me party invites. Why send it to someone you didn’t see at the 5,436,827,978 parties you invited me to prior to this one? As a matter of fact, if I receive a party invite after this post, you will be deleted from my friend list. Simple as that, no questions asked. Be careful, you’ve been warned.
PEACE
ONE GOD ONE LOVE
J
… dudes doing these gay @$$ dances. Dallas Boogie, “Dougie”, Dirty Booty, it all looks suspect to me.
… niggas saying “No Homo” after everything they say, especially when whatever they just said isn’t even remotely “homo”. We get it yo, you’re not gay… but saying it that much does make you look like you’re hiding a “dirty little secret” and not in a All American Rejects kinda way.
… R&B songs with rap breaks. I’m real Plessy v Ferguson when it comes to my R&B and Hip-Hop. I like them both, but they need to stay in their rightful place. Separate but equal!
… there being no more good R&B music. Everything now is R&Crunk or Neo Soul. And while I enjoy them from time to time, I just want to hear someone talk for 5 minutes at the beginning of a song like the good ole days.
… scantily clad white chicks sending me friend requests on myspace. I know its porn and/ or spam. You can’t fool me!!!
… people spending $40 on those hideous wide shoulder replica NBA jerseys, when another $30 could procure a more respectable “swingman” almost authentic jersey.
… the iPhone trying to correct me every time I send a text message. No, Steve Jobs, I didn’t mean “night”, I meant “nigga”!!!
… people with Sidekicks or other phones with a physical keyboard (not T9) sending me messages with typos. How do you misspell three letter words?
… people that use “your” when they clearly should be using “you’re”. I feel the exact same way about “loss” and “lost”. So when I see someone write “sorry for you’re lost” or “your really talented, I’m at a lost for words” on someone’s myspace page, it makes me want to punch a sick baby.
... people holding the phone to their mouth while on speaker phone. You can’t use the “handsfree” mode if you’re using your hands dip$#!+ !!! That’s like going to a concert for the deaf.
… road construction.
… Plies only rapping about sex. He sounds like a female comedian. He’s like a 2008 Too Short.
… the current trend in pornos where the chick has to gag while giving head. There is typically nothing sexy about runny mascara and a woman about to pass out due to lack of oxygen to her brain. Call me crazy but I have strict “no vomit on my skin fife” policy. Gagging compromises that policy.
… people going through the trouble of creating a page on something as public as the world wide web only to make their page private. Get over yourself. You’re NOT that important! It’s NOT an honor to see your page! It doesn’t make you seem exclusive. If anything it makes you look like an @$$hole.
... people creating facebook groups saying they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers.
… people on facebook sending me party invites. Why send it to someone you didn’t see at the 5,436,827,978 parties you invited me to prior to this one? As a matter of fact, if I receive a party invite after this post, you will be deleted from my friend list. Simple as that, no questions asked. Be careful, you’ve been warned.
PEACE
ONE GOD ONE LOVE
J
Monday, August 04, 2008
Time for Change
Undoubtedly some of you saw the Obama skatedeck I painted about a month or so ago. Well I've taken it step further and I transformed the deck into a functioning hanging wall clock, and aptly titled it, "Time for Change". I know I know.... what can I say, I'm a witty mutha-effer. This is just one of the creations from my most productive weekend in recent memory. I shall post the other creations from this weekend later this week.
If you haven't done so already please go over to rockthevote.org and register for this year's election. This is probably going to be the most important election of our lives. As cliche as it sounds, you really need to get your voice heard.
PEACE
ONE GOD ONE LOVE
J
If you haven't done so already please go over to rockthevote.org and register for this year's election. This is probably going to be the most important election of our lives. As cliche as it sounds, you really need to get your voice heard. PEACE
ONE GOD ONE LOVE
J
Sunday, August 03, 2008
Be a Nigger too!
This is a very important video! It's well executed, and has a powerful message. A must see for EVERY race. Get past the word "nigger" in excess, and listen to the lyrics. I love Rik Cordero! He's a monster on the directorial front. Educate yourself!
PEACE
ONE GOD ONE LOVE
J
PEACE
ONE GOD ONE LOVE
J
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