The Most Embarrassing Story Ever Told

After a conversation with Kris, she brought it to my attention that the easiest way to gauge the number of "true-friends" you have is by asking yourself if you can share with them the MOST embarrassing story about yourself. That doesn't mean you have to tell them, you just have to be willing to. And as much as we all try to be politically correct, we all like to laugh at someone else's expense from time to time. It's why we like watching "Jackass". Since I make fun of people on this blog day in and day out, I've decided to share with you faithful readers my MOST embarrassing story. Think of it as you getting a hearty chuckle and I pick up the tab. I'm not sure I've ever shared this with ANYONE (other than my mom, but she was there when it happened, so that can't count can it?), so be grateful niggas!

It was my sophomore year of high school. I was the coolest cat in the school. I was cooler than "The Fonz" standing on a snowcone in Nova Scotia. Ok actually I was a scrawny slightly noticeable awkwardly funny kid that thought he had more friends than he actually did. It was one of the rare days in my entire public school career that my mom dropped me off at the school. (She usually worked a few blocks away and we would walk from her job every morning.) Well, she was dropping me off this day because I had been sick the day prior and my body was threatening to keep me home again. Since I actually enjoyed school, I made the decision to go at the very last minute. Anyone that has ever had a severe cold or flu like symptoms knows how physically draining this ailment can be. Especially the day after the worst of it. You struggle to do simple things like stand up straight, or hold a conversation at anything louder than a whisper for an extended period of time. Because your body is so weak, periodically you unexpectedly lose muscle control.

I got out the car and as I stood my head immediately began to spin. I stood still. Once I regained my composure, I climbed the first stair. My leg buckled, my stomach churned, and the lightheadedness was back. Was I being too ambitious? Was I really ready to sit at school for the greater portion of my day? Just as I was weighing the options of going back home or staying at school, my sphincter ani externus (that's your puckering booty muscle) yelled out, "I don't care what the rest of you do, but I'm going home!!!" I mustered up the little contraction energy I had left to attempt stop the now inevitable, but it was too late. I now had a full blown, severe, and potentially fatal (to my reputation) case of "mudbutt".

**sidenote: Why is it when you have "accidents" it's never solid? It always looks like some warm University of Texas colored pudding. end sidenote**

I stood on the stairs with my legs more than shoulder length apart with caramel tapioca oozing down my leg trying to figure out how I'm going to keep this mess from getting on my shoes. My high school career was doomed. "JEREMY….. JEREMY" I heard. "Oh no I've been spotted, there's no turning back now." "JEREMY…. what's wrong? Why are just standing there like that?" It was at that moment I realized it was my mom's voice. She hadn't left. With a look of embarrassment tattooed on my face, I didn't have to utter a word. She already knew. As I waddled down the stairs with that, "pants-around-the-ankle" walk that people do around the house when they realize there is no toilet paper and they have to embark on the journey to find some, she smiled and laughed. As I crawled in the backseat, she told me "stay on and your hands and knees, I don't want you messing up my seats. I don't care how sick you are, you'd be cleaning it up". She tried to make me feel better by telling me stories about close calls she had experienced. I promptly told her it wasn't helping and I never wanted to speak of it again. We both laughed, well mine was more of an embarrassed snicker. She obliged and said "just, roll down your window, YOU STINK!!!".

PEACE
ONE GOD ONE LOVE
J